From the Other Side of Trauma
When I got home after a long day of cooking and such.
I stopped to think.
In the past six years, I've been trying to find myself, and define who "Ashleigh" is. I never had the chance to grow and learn what it all means to just "BE."
After the abuse of every type, the neglect and denial from my family, that left me diagnosed, medicated and not capable, as some have said, to make any "healthy" connections.
When I was apprehended, I was hopeful to have something, someplace to be safe, trusted and just loved for who I am. Instead, I was seen as this odd shape that wasn't fitting into the homes neat square hole.
I have longed for connection, for someone to just say "hey you matter, you exist." Instead of being told that I won't make it. Instead of, "oh hey, you're still alive."
I am broken still, but in the past few years, more importantly, in the last year, I've been putting myself together. I didn't really take it seriously before, because I didn't believe I mattered to anyone. I just had professionals tell me the usual, that I had to do it on my own, basically like, reading off a script, an "in case this happens," do this.
I went through a lot of shit that I can't even begin to comprehend. Some of it has left me this way. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TOLD THAT IT ISN'T THAT BAD!
For the last nine months, things have been falling into place. I've made the push with people to show that I can be better, to show that I could make it to my 25th birthday when others said I couldn't. Some days still, I want to cry until my eyes swell shut, but I am still going to try.
Being at here, at Redefin'd, I feel like I actually matter. Like I can be my crazy weird self. I can listen to music without being judged. I can have a real discussion. I can ask for a hug, and I know that when I can't ask, someone will notice and give me one anyway. Redefin'd is about being a real fucking human being!
Everyone deserves this; what we have here. Everyone deserves to be supported and loved. We don't have to do it alone.